6/30/05

Things are fun around here lately. Went to the Dr. yesterday to have a colonoscopy. I was under the impression that I would be knocked out for the procedure and wouldn't remember a thing. Well, I was fully awake and accounted for. I guess they were not doing a full colonoscopy; just the first section, so I didn't need to be under. Instead, I got to watch the monitor as the camera explored my innards. When I came into the nice steril room, the assistant told me to lay down on my left side and pull my knees to my chest.
The NP came in and introduced himself, asked if I had seen blood or felt discomfort.
"Yes, I've seen blood about once a month, but no discomfort."
"How old are you?"
"Thirty-three."
Looking at my chart, he noticed that my age was actually, "Thirty-two."
"Oh yeah, I'm a bit out of it after having fasted you know."
"Understandable. It's probably hemmoroids. Let's take a look. Ok. First my fingers, lubricated, then a tube. There we go."
It didn't hurt all that bad. It was pretty uncomfortable, but then I was distracted from the pain as I watched the monitor. The camera came up on my ass hole and I somehow recognized that asshole as mine. Then a slip into my anus and I could see the read and pink fless of my colon on the screen. Amazing. Right away, on the left side of the colon wall, I could see this big lump. I guess the NP saw it too.
To the assistant he said, "Get the doctor."
My heart sank. I knew it wasn't good.
The doctor came in and introduced himself. Very nice man.
"How old are you?"
"Thirty-two."
"Well, what do we have here" looking at the monitor.
"It looks precancerous, but I wanted to get your second opinion."
Then it was just blah blah blah in Greek doctor language. By then I was getting sick of that tube up my ass and I just wanted to go home and watch baseball, but I listened anyway. They explained that it is most likely precancer, and that the difficult part is going to be getting it out. Or it could just be an inflamation that could be treated in various ways. They took some samples of that walnut sized lump, the cutting of it I didn't watch on the monitor.
"Your going to see some blood in your stool now," the NP laughed. Wasn't all that funny, but I think he was just trying to relax me.
"We are going to put a rush on the biopsy and we should know tomorrow. Now lets get some more pictures higher up."
He then proceeded to shove that tube all the way up to my stomach. "Now, when this gets up to your stomach, your going to feel some pain. Just breathe deep." It was the worst pain I have felt. Holy FUCK it hurt. It was the first time that I have openly expressed pain at the dr's office. You know, things hurt, but you just clinch your jaw and stay silent. But this time was different. I think combined with the fear of my news, and the embarrassment of a man sticking a tube up my ass, I just let it out. Moaning and squirming, "Yeah, uuuhhhh owwww, uuu yeah that hurts."
"We are almost there. Breathe deep through your mouth. There we go, we are there. Coming out now. Keep breathing."