Sorry to report.

It's on the move. Got a letter from the doc that it is spreading and not looking good. We will talk about what that means next week. Sorry, but I feel to be losing the fight, truly that things are wrapping up for me. I'm scared to death.

Chemo Brain

Finally, I see that other people experience it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/29/health/29chemo.html?hp

Figuring through reflection

I had a student email me the following email and I thought I would share my response because it was a nice moment for me to reflect and make sense out of a few things for myself.


Before the cancer was detected, did you have any specific views as far as religion or spirtuality are concerned? Have those views changed at all? You seem to stay so strong despite having such shit luck. How? The way your website comes across it is as if Mitra gives you strength. The title of your website, "I am not my body alone," almost has a defeatist feel to it. How much of you is preparring for the worst, and how much of you is charged with a positive attitude that refuses to quit? I don't mean to be rude or presumptious, but your situation draws such curiosity and sympathy from myself, I can't help but wonder how you stand.

Hope all is well,
*

Hey *,

Thanks for checking that page out. It gives me strength for some reason to have people read that stuff and find something for themselves in it. It is part of the purpose of writing it, but it is also due to just a weird need to share. I think that sometimes people don't realize they exist until they express their existence to someone else. So thanks for reading it and thinking about it.

I have taken a big 180 as for religion is concerned, but I am very hesitant about it. It just seems like the natural thing for people to do in situations like this. It's funny I just got a card from my step brother and his wife. They always take my illness as an opportunity to preach to me. I know they mean good, but if I turn to a god, I don't want it to be out of desperation. I want it to be out of a genuine desire to experience god. Nonetheless, facing my maker is something I feel I need to do. This is truly one of by biggest struggles right now. But I have witnessed some pretty wonderful feelings and progress as a result--i think--of people praying and meditating for me. Meditation for me personally has been quite helpful and calming, but I don't know how much of that is a celebration of god or just a celebration of the self; or is that the same thing? I do think god want's us to celebrate ourselves, and that is a form of worship to god. The same way that loving people is like loving god. I like that thought a lot.

For me strength has been a result of weakness. I now do realize how strong I am (sounds arrogant, I know), but it was only from facing my weakness. I guess that somehow relates to the god topic. There is that saying you often hear from people of being brought to their knees, and then finally turning to god. It is a little like that. I have experienced a fear and weakness I didn't know existed. *, I was so scared I lost feeling in my body and have fallen to the ground out of fear. It is a crazy feeling. It makes me wonder what I would do if I had a gun put in my face. I might just drop. There were some very very scary times both my wife and I have shared. And I can't tell you how much the worst feeling in the world is seeing your love of your life scared like that and have it be because of you. We sure bonded, but jeeze there were some dark and utterly frightening times. We have since accepted that fear and grown strong with an acceptance of our situation. I think you are right about facing the worst. It is at that moment that you become liberated from the fear. Through talking with people, writing, meditating, etc we have both accepted my probable early demise and experienced a freedom from the fear. I mean doesn't that seem pretty simple? I'm pretty sure that is what most people in my situation do.

At the same time we are accepting my fate, we still have a tremendous amount of optimism and desire to keep fighting. It is really weird man. I'm not sure I know how that works, but we feel even more courage and strength after accepting the probable fate. That is something for me to begin to think about; thanks for bringing it up.

As for the "I am not by body alone" quote. It comes from Walt Whitman's LEAVES OF GRASS which is my favorite poet and poem. I'm not sure I see the defeatist element of that idea. I'd like to know more of why you think it sounds that way. For me, it reminds me that I am not just a body. I am a soul. I am an experience. I am a moment in time. I am an emotion that has been felt by other people. I am my ideas that have been thought about by other people. So I guess that I am trying to break away from the boundaries of being defined by cancer or my body alone. And like I said, I am made of the people around me. It's metaphysical. Another "meta" term like we've been talking about in class. Don't you love em.

I didn't think you were rude or presumptuous at at all. I am really stoked to get your email and that you took some time to check it out.

Thanks *. I wish you all the peace and happiness possible. It's cool to see a student inquire into these elements and ideas. You'll make a good philosophy major.

Take care,

Where is my mind?

I'm half-way around. Coming off treatment and continually shocked at how lost I become when I am on treatment. Who cares where I am? I don't. Who cares what I eat? I don't. Now, the sleeping, that drives me crazy. I CAN"T SLEEP with this kind of pain, and it will one of these times lead to jumping headfirst out the window. Last night, I was running around the house naked in pain and then mitra put me in the shower trying to cook the pain out of me. Actually, kind of worked. Again, she is the only reason I'm around.

No good long time

It's has been a very long time since posting. I've kind of lost interest to be honest. I've worn myself out of talking, writing, and thinking about this issue of my health. Nonetheless, for anyone interested, health is not all that great. Took a break from chemo over the holidays and the cancer had some holiday fun of its own by spreading its cheer further around my liver and lungs. So, last heard more tumors, larger tumors, and declining liver functions. I'm back on chemo and don't feel as much of the cancer pains, but chemo sucks. We'll keep trying.

Doing fine

Just getting by. Honestly, I'm depressed that I can't put the needed energy into work lately and have been calling in sick. I feel it ruins my reputation, but I'm confident I can build that back up.

I have been having a lot of pain in my hips, which i thought was just from laying around so much and carrying so much extra weight. We had some xrays done to just make sure the cancer wasn't screwing around, and the first thing my doc said when he came in the room was "Answer me this, did you skateboard a lot as a kid?" Uhhh yeah. "You have some serious arthritis in your hips that can only be caused by lots of hip trauma usually seen in skateboarders." I was famous for the worst hippers in the world. It kept me from breaking arms, wrists and legs because i would take all the fall in my body. now i am paying for it. probably hip replacement in the future.

The life of treatments

I am back into the swing of going in for treatments every other Friday and then spending the next two weeks trying as hard as I can to get back to a healthy enough state to do it all again. The last two weeks have been rough. My lab results on my blood were not good at all this last time around. My liver is struggling to keep up. A lot of pain has gone away, but I still sting from it, and I think when I take too much pain killers, the liver can't handle it, thus, making me quite ill. The CEA count, which measures the amount of cancer active in my system is fricken off the charts at 97. OUCH!!! That is the worst it has been since this all began, so I guess I am thinking the break over the summer wasn't the most brilliant move on my behalf. I was warned, but I am stubborn. I'll be honest with you. I feel that things are not turning for the better. OH FUCKING WELL!!! I am still getting quite a kick out of life and feel very lucky to have had this much. I look back on my friends and experiences with such fondness. I mean that. All of my history is cherrished. What a cool life I've had. And now, well now, I have what I always dreamed for.

Go dodgers!

The Sharpness of Anticipation

On Friday evening, my doctor called to let me know that I need to go back on treatments as soon as possible. My blood tests showed a considerable spike in cancerous activity in my liver. I took cat scans today to see more clearly what is going on. Mitra and I will take one last escape this weekend for our anniversary, and then I'll go have treatment begin next week.

It was a bit scary to have that phone call. It was like finding out for the first time again. My emotions were all over the place, but mostly I just felt like I had suffered a defeat. I know that I needed to go back on treatments, but I really thought the cancer had took such a hit that it would struggle to begin growing so soon. It is amazing how well we forget. I totally went back to life as normal as possible really not remembering that I needed to eventually get back on chemo. I'm good at suppression and distraction. Maybe that is a good thing. I was living well, happy, and without anticipation. Hmmm. Life without anticipation.

I've been a bit freaked out with the amount of pain I have been going through. For the last weeks, I've had sharp pain in which we had though that it must be gas or constipation from all of the pills I have to take. However, now we realize that the pain is actually the cancer sucking life off of my liver and lungs. It's weird to actually feel cancer like that. It's the first time I have been able to identify it. It's scary. I never know how sharp the next pain is going to be and whether it will be the one that knocks my ass out. Until then, life without anticipation. I'm trying, but it is hard.

Norton Antivirus Check-up

I'm alive. Good enough getting by. Been rather sick a lot lately. Ache like a mofo. Went to see the doctor, and I just still have a lot of nerve damage that is not healing. He says it takes a long time. I've gotten extrememly weak in the last few weeks. Don't know what's wrong, but something is. We are doing cat scans next week. They ran blood tests, and it looks good. So I guess I'll be fine just getting by some more. Semester is getting under way and I am STOKED to be back to work full time. Just in case you didn't know, I have the coolest fricken job ever.

2015

I was wandering around the NCI web page, and noticed this challenge. Man do I hope it actually is true. I've always felt that I can hold this thing off for a while, but that it would come back later in life. So I've felt that I am just buying time until there is a cure. A lot of interesting stuff on this page. I hope all of you are keeping up on early screening for various kinds of cancer.

Love

http://www.cancer.gov/

music

i've posted a couple of songs mitra and i have worked on recently. check them out on the Tunes page, and let me know what you think.

all is well around here. truly enjoying life without fear, and i am filling my life with art, pleasure, and hope.

stil a lot of nerve pain going on, but nothing to worry about. getting more and more energy lately.

hope you all are well.

Forgiveness

This is what I love about writing: figuring things out. In my 7/1 entry, I was just beginning to handle some issues I have been dealing with. I'm angry. I'm sad. At people. At god. We have all done some very lousy things, god included. he/she must accept that. but if we are forgiven by god, then i must forgive god.

oh yea

Positively, the most beautiful, encouraging, and graceful woman in my whole life has been, at times, the only reason I am alive today. Thank you Mitra. My love for you is deeper than my mind and words could ever grasp.

7/1

Today's my second birthday. It has been one year since the absolutely most important day of my life. Mitra and I were driving to Visalia when my doctor called and asked if I wanted to pull over. We certainly have spent the last year pulling over. I spend much more time looking at the environment outside of the freeway path. What's this last year meant to me? I feel so relaxed right now. The paralyzing fear I had is gone, and I am comfortable with my fate whether that is in my control or not. I'll do what I can to be a better and healthier person, but there is only so much I can do. That thought is quite liberating and it reminds me of what can be so attractive about religions. Religion removes so much personal responsibility. If the U.S. kills half of Iraq, it's god's will, not mine. If, Iran brings down the great satan, it is allah's will, not mine. If I'm dead tomorrow, god wished it so--why not be happy about it? I've fulfilled god's will. Listen, I don't understand what this is all about, but the organization of Chrisianity, Budhism, Hinduism, Islam, etc has never seemed more preposterous (and before you get all defensive, look the damned word up in the dictionary for the full understanding of the word). I am certainly aware of the existence of some sort of grand spirit. If it is a god, then I am thankful and angry with her/him. Absolutely, I am a better person than I was a year ago because I have had the fortune to have a fighting chance (thank you science) with this "blessing." However, I have met many wonderful and beautiful people that are honestly better human beings than I am. Yet, they've died in horrific pain and physical misery. Ugly ugly ugly. Thanks god for the blessing.

Fighting off Normal

Doing pretty well lately. I've been trying to work out, but I am in a great deal of bone and nerve pain for a couple of days after, so I have to be extremely patient and slow with my workouts. I'm teaching summer school and putting a lot of energy into building some class curriculum. It feels great to be active and living "normally." However, I have to be cautious of slipping into a numbing sense of normal. I forget daily that I have cancer still. Never for a second do I doubt a full recovery from it next year. Sounds great right? Well, actually, I hate it. I liked the way I was living and thinking when death seemed right around the corner. I have to train myself to approach my days as such.

Hope you are all well.

Little Laughing Soul

I've found something interesting about myself through meditation. I think I've described earlier that the feeling I have deep inside my soul when I reach my meditative consciousness is that of laughter. It is kind of like a a giggle that you want to supress because you are in the middle of class or church, but you just can't and it free's itself from soul. My native american name would have been laughing soul.

Yet, today I was watching an ESPN bit on Tiger Wood's dad and his recent death from cancer. I totally felt the pain of his father and the crab like demolition these cancer cells engage in. They claw through your body destroying your cells, your being, your easy breathing. I closed my eyes and my soul cried for old Earl Woods. At that moment I was eased into my meditative consciousness, revealing to me the similarity between crying and laughing.

Ct Scans

Got my latest scan results today. They look pretty good. We were able to see the two tumors in the lungs, but they are very small. The liver originally had 15-20 tumors, and now it is down to 4 and they are quite small. The colon tumor was originally the size of a grapefruit and now we can't see it. The doctor said there are surely cancer cells still around there, but the tumor is gone. I'm going for a bike ride, catch you all later.

Been doing pretty good lately. Getting in a rythm of living. More and more thankful everyday for each day I get. I have a new sense of liberation lately. I've decided to take some breaks from chemo. Mitra and I are going to Peurta Vallarta at the end of May, so I've stopped treatments until we get back from that. I am so looking forward to reuperating and getting into better shape than I am in now. Then off to the beach in Mexico for some drinking, reading, writing and daydreaming. In the midst of these vacations, I can't forget that I am taking a risk by stopping the treatment for a while. But it is just this risk that liberates and excites me. I really forces me to not get lulled into a false sense of survival. It reminds me that may days are numbered and mabe a much smaller number than we would all like.

Warm Blanket

Been hiding beneath the covers lately. Really sorry not to keep ya'll up to date, but no reall changes that I know of. Treatments week after week and pretty depressed. I've gotten into a routine and accepted all of the constant trips to the doctor's office, seeing nurses more than my family and friends. All routines are dangerous.

Wishing you all well.

Art as reality

from my friend russ:
three times Peter tells these people who are dying (because they've sworn allegiance to a Jewish carpenter turned Rabbi and chosen him as their king) three times he tells them to be sober - alert. we are going to look chiefly at what Peter calls "preparing your mind", the mind's role in being aware to reality. Jason, I've thought of you and how much more aware you are to life than us schlupps. And that scene in A Beautiful Mind, toward the end when John asks one of his students if she can see the man he's talking to. It's about living in the light of ultimate reality. there's more to life than just what we can see and especially more to it than what our individualist, consumerist, nationalist culture says there is. that's why we teach and learn and discuss so that we can remind ourselves what is real. and the more aware of reality we are, the more likely we are to live in tune with it.

my response:
i had professor once say something like: poetry does a better job of representing reality and the human experience than the text books and media. so i am thinking that art should be added to one of the ways in which to prepare your mind. art tries to see the world in a fresh and new way. mitra and i were just talking about mike and what a great inspiration he has been to me in regards to living life. i think he is one of the best role models i have around me for how to live life like you are seeing it for the first time. experience it all anew. he, as mitra says, has an innocent charm that allows him to be excited about anything life may bring. i think of mike's mind as prepared in peter's sense.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE!

Limited

I've never been faced with this kind of physical limitation. I can't tell you how bad I crave exercise, walking, biking, running, playing catch blah blah blah. It certainly is something I will appreciate much more later. I begins to become insulting when people don't utilize what they have within them. I will never again return to the weekends I used to spend drunk and hungover. It is such a waste of a life. I do believe I am greatly insulted by those that don't use their creativity, their health, their minds, their hearts. They are all so beautiful; and here I am struggling to even push through the pain in my hands to type this out. I am officially limited.

waiting room

somewhere; sometime in my childhood, i remember an old and dying woman. she may have been my great grandmother, or a great aunt, i don't really remember as i was too young; i hadn't yet learned how to correctly place memories in the correct storage area of my brain. i do remember the stale image of pills, empty and full glasses of water, a bible and bowl of apple sauce. it was wrong to me then and is still now. it was a life of locked up death. that room was a waiting tomb. today i realized my room has become hers.

Drunken Rats on My Spine

I woke in the early morning with rats chewing on my spine.
They were singing, “I will Always Love You” by The Cure…
“Whenever I’m alone with you/ You make me feel like I am home again…”
With every gnawing tooth my muscles convulse in pain
which forces me to gnaw my own tongue in silence…
“Whenever I’m alone with you/ You make me feel like I am whole again…”
Killers I had to pop,
and a comfortable numb over
came as if my body were laid in a bath of warm milk.
Progressively the rats were drowned in the milk,
bloated with buck-toothed grins
until we were all floating in the milk with drunken stares of death and satisfaction.

CT Scans

Returned to treatment this week and it was difficult mentally and physically. Thus, my report is short until I get more strength. The CT scans showed significant decrease in size and number of tumors especially in the colon and the largest one in the liver. We will get more news on the future of treatment next week, but we are still in the fight. At least we are winning. I owe so much to the wishes and prayers from all of you. Thanks and keep it up PLEASE!

Scared/excited

Tomorrow I go in for CT scans to check the progress. I am a perfect mix of scared and excited. I do feel like we are back at the beginning. Those nervous stages of doing all that testing is coming back on me. Mitra has lucklily been reminding me of my strength and cockiness about all of this. We had a party a couple of weeks ago and it was rare time when I actually talk about things with people--most of the time I just try to forget about it and talk about other stuff. Thoughts and conversation are interesting to me because it is through conversation that you can see more of your own thoughts in the faces and reactions of others. It comes from my composition pedagogy on audience awareness, that is, all writing is driven and created in the shadow of an audience even if that audience is the self. Well as I spoke with friends about my state and progress, I did notice a kind of arrogance reminiscent of my punk rock skater kid days. That makes me happy. I was a little punk back then, but I was a happy little punk. Now that beaten fear back, I'm becoming something I always thought I could but never had the courage to be: youthful in heart and wise in mind(yes that does sound like arrogance). It's what gets me through. I'm scared to jump into the cat scan machine and take those freezing deep breaths so they can take glow in the dark pictures of my innards. I'm scared of the reminders; when I drink the glow and the dark nuclear bannana shakes tonight and for breakfast. I love food so much that memories are often triggered by food. I'm afraid of the memories that shake may trigger. Days in which I was so afraid of dying I didn't want to live. I'm still on unsure footing in my new life of confidence and acceptance. Let's hope I can stand my ground.

Yesterday Mitra and I blew off a doctor's appointment to go on a drive and have some f'ing fun. Man we needed it. We were talking, thinking, listening to music, thinking, talking, staring out into the rain...
"You know, I think it's gone, but I'm not sure."
"What do you mean?"
"I was just thinking back to when we first found out. We were driving to Visalia. We were so fucking scared. We cried like crazy. I felt this foreign enemy inside. I truly felt it. It consumed my whole body. It was/ is everywhere inside me. It's not just isolated to the tumors. Those tumors are spreading their disease all through my body through the blood. It was a sinister crawling through my veins. I don't know whether to separate that into Fear or Cancer."
"Maybe it's both."
"Yeah, exactly. We try so hard to compartmentalize everything into its box; it's separate box. In this case, and maybe in life, we can't do that. I think that part of what is cancer is fear, and once you can deal with that, sorry, but half of the battle is won."
"So Cancer and Fear are the same thing. It seems then that it really doesn't matter which is which. You feel that it is gone. You have won . You feel better. You feel like your true self again. It is gone. But what is it? Don't we have to name it? Don't you have to count both in it?"
"Yeah, it's both I guess. I've beat it nonetheless. I just need the doc to back me up on this one."

Selfish

So for some reason, I feel the need to get something off my chest. Something that is surely self-indulgently fabricated by my overactive brain that doesn't let me sleep at night. I feel like I complain too much. Almost that this blog has become a bitch and moan session for jason. I have cancer blah blah blah,whine whine whine, cry cry cry. I hope that you guys don't see it that way because my ideal is that this is just a place to let people know who care what it is like. I would want to know what someone I care about is going through in this kind of struggle. It's voyeuristic I admit. I like to see into other people's lives, so maybe I am giving back to all the writers that have let me see into the lives of made-up and real lives. So I cry and moan on this blog page to allow others to just see what it is like. I'm not complaining to complain. I'm complaining to share insight into something terribly painful and awfully beautiful. Sounds weird? Yeah, cancer is beautiful. Mitra and I have truly benefited from this disease. In a way, I am thankful for it. It will be a bitter sweet day when I am told it is all gone. It's been a part of me. A very important part of me. One in which I think, has made me a better person in so many ways, and one in which I hope I am less selfish. SELFISH. Sell Fish. What a stupid word.

Holiday Pics

We took some cheesey holiday photo's. These are the outtakes:
http://homepage.mac.com/jsonw/PixilateMe/PhotoAlbum67.html

Who will win?

I'm using my body as the playing field. Let's say it is Chavez Ravine. One one team, it's the Dodgers; the pain killers. On the other team, let's call them the Giants; the chemo. I've decided to put these two teams to battle. Who will win?

Matter or Mind?

I slept, laid around, slept, watched tv, sletp until 3:00 this afternoon. I was listening to my body and my body just wanted to rest. I thought this might be a good thing. I never listened to my body unless it was telling me it was hungry; I listened especially well if it said it wanted donuts. But that right there tells me that maybe it isn't good to always listen to your body. My mind tells me that pushing through this lethargy may hurt but will give me more energy in the end than just lying around. Here comes a tremendous battle for me as I lose more and more strength.

Apology

Mitra will get upset about this, but I must (juicy start uh?). You all know how much I love paradox and contradiction. I, lately, have been coming to the conclusion and acceptance that I owe you all an apology. This illness has been entirely my fault. For years I ate like crap, didn't exercise, drank too much, blah blah blah... didn't take care of myself. And when my family and MItra were tellling me to go to the doctor because I have been bleeding for years, I didn't. Thus, I've become sick. It's not genetic and it has clearly been of my own doing. For this state that you, my beloved friends and family, have been thrown into, I apologize.

Now, don't get me wrong. At the same time that this has been the worst thing to happen to me and maybe you, it is also the best thing that has happened. Much love has been expressed that would not have been. And for that, I thank you. So at the same time that I apologize, I am thankful. I am more fortunate than I can express for the love and kindness I have seen from my friends and family.

Count

Tumor count down to 1.9. Slight drop this time, but still dropping. Yipee.

Family

Had the whole family over this past week. It was nice. It was family, and we love to argue in my family, but it was nice. I want to thank you guys for keeping me distracted and entertained. I'm pretty much in pain all the time, so it was GREATLY appreciated. Thank you so much for coming. Love you.

Ugh

Well, kind of bad news. My treatment has been extended to February instead of the beginning of January. Apparently, the drug maker of one of my chemos has stopped making the fluid injection form of its drug, thus requiring me to take the pill form over a period of two weeks. Awful alternative. So instead of feeling like crap for a week, two weeks with no break for the other treatments. So I am looking at 3 months of torture. Not looking forward to it.

Connection

I just want to reiterate how happy I am that people read this and give me comments and encouragement. My goal with this began briefly as just a way to keep ya'll up-dated, but I quickly realized I craved connection to family and friends. Your just reading this brings me pleasure, you commenting gives me validation. I want my life to be about connection and love. So please, if you ever felt uncomfortable to comment but you wanted to, I've been there, I feel you. Now that I have pushed and then just realeased my tears and breathing, I feel better. Thanks to all of you. All of you catch my tears and breath my breath. How FRICKEN cool is that? It's egocentric on my part I admit. But still way cool. I just want to reciprocate. I feel selfish and want to give back to you guys, and for some reason, I think the building of connections is my way of doint that.

Peace out mofo's.
Mom, that means, I love you guys.

A Life Deferred?

Langston Hughes has been ringing in my ears lately. "What happens to a dream deferred?" So then I was thinking about what happens to a life deferred. What happens to the urge of living, the instinct to survive when death takes life. That energy you know? I have energy (waning, but I have it). I have a tremendous urge to live, to give life, to be life. It can be felt by myself and others. Well, what will happen to that energy? Is it dispersed, is it dead against it's will? Is it deferred?

Sleeping Pills

Lots and lots of them bring such comfort at night. The morning, someone staple gunned my ears to the pillow.

Not around entirely

Sorry I have not been around. I'm fine though. Woosey doosey and getting weaker, but winning the battles. I can't tell you how hard it is to get out of bed some days. Just walking from one side of the house to the other is a like I just ran up some giant hill. The hills are here and bigger by the day, but I keep climbing. What else can you do? When there is life, it just urges you on; sometimes mindlessly, and there has been a lot of mindlessness around this skull lately. Love.

Winning Battles

Let's just hope the war is won. We got my latest tumor count this week and it has dropped again from 6.9 to 2.8. That is a huge amount in four weeks. At this rate, it will be 0 in another four weeks. This doesn't mean it is all gone, but lots of it is leaving my body. Even if it gets to zero, I still have cancer, just not as much. And that is ok. I might still need a little bit of cancer. My life is changing in tremendous ways, and I still have room to grow. Mitra and I went for a drive yesterday and talked for hours about life, and I realized how much that doing just that IS life.

I feel a need from all you friends and family. I feel that I need an extra push of good energy, prayer, blessings, cussings, yellings and love for further recovery. I feel it coming guys. I'm winning. Help me out with your thoughts please!

Urging on

Things are going fine. Met with my doc yesterday and he said I am doing amazingly well. He said I look well and am handling things better than most of his patients. I think my jokes and jovial behavior in the meetings might be giving him an overly optimisitc impression. He said though that he sees nothing in my blood that is troubling and everything actually looks very very good. So Good news.

Aside, I was quoted in the recent school newspaper at SFSU this month about my blog page http://xpress.sfsu.edu/archives/life/004550.html

Hope you are all well and enjoying the hell out of life. Please please please feel the goodness of life!

Cancer Count

Fortunately, my blood carries something that allows the doc's to measure the cancerous tumor count in my body--not everybody with cancer has this characteristic though. Mine has always been quite high. The other day we got my blood results from last week. Mitra usually reads these and lets me know how I am doing. She came running and yelling the other night: "The tumor count is shrinking! The tumor count is shrinking!" I loved seeing her so happy. To her it is proof that the chemo is working. The doc wrote a note on the results: "This is good."

Been depressed and plannning how to die, so I am on Prozac and going to therapy. That kind of thing seems to bother doc's, nurses, social workers, my wife. Not sure it bothers me, but I am learning to listen to those around me. Mitra has been calling me arrogant lately, and I guess this is my attempt to curb the annoying arrogance. I still hold on to the defiant arrogance that refuses to believe cancer is going to kill me. Can you believe the state of contradiction my mind is in lately. One minute, I am an arrogant little bitch that truly believes I will beat cancer, and the next I am planning for my suicide if it doesn't work. Did I take my Prozac pill today? When is this stuff supposed to kick in?

Hurray for Cervical Cancer Patients

What kind of morning that must be to wake up to if you have cervical cancer. %100 cure (Still has to be found pretty early). I'm waiting for the morning I wake up and someone calls me: "The did it! They have the cure!" It's weird to think that my the clicks of my life clock are bound to scientists I don't even know. Little shaved mice I don't even know. Thanks little shaved mice. Keep on keepin on little guys, I'll keep waiting for the good news.

hi

sometimes all i can do is just say hi. i got to tell you, i'm tired of not feeling quite alive. mitra says i'm doing good, but my trust in the outside observations wanes as my insides are aching and paining.

I am working out with weights regularly, so I hope to get stronger.

I forgot to tell you guys that the doctor said it is pretty conclusive that it was not a genetic cancer. My conclusion: Fuck the Valley! Move away from that hell if you live there and never visit if you don't.

I put some more pics up on my web page. I was very touched by the candle Judy got for me and the fact that Mike and his beautiful family walked for me. Thanks.

How my doing?

Ok. Getting by. Met with the doc on Friday before treatment and he said that I am doing good, "terriffic actually." That don't mean nothing to me right now. All that means is that I am staying healthy and the chemo is not tearing my body apart. It doesn't mean the cancer is leaving. We need more time to tell. But I think in about a month they will run some tests to see what is going on. We did talk about diets and supplements, and found out some interesting things. He said that I should avoid anit-oxidents because anything that is going to make my body stronger is also helping the cancer become stronger. Crazy hu? Cancer is really such an amazing little bugger. Kind of makes you want to go get drunk and smoke a couple of packs of fags.

Overall, I have more strength than usual. I'm getting around a lot and doing almost my daily routines. I get going for a couple of hrs, then crash pretty hard for a while. Rest a while, then get back to it. I think I've been pretty lucky with my nurses and docotor. They really have done a nice job medicating me just enough to fight of the side effects of the chemo. I go in a couple of times a week for iv because i've been dehydrated. I'm also getting hooked up on some anti-depressants because I get too down and frankly a bit suicidal during my down times. I'm just starting to plan for the worst, and I know that it might be a little too soon to be working out the logistics. The truth of the matter is that I don't want to die under chemo treatments. I want to have a little time just feeling pretty normal. I don't think I want to die in a state of decay. I want to go out doing something fun and just enjoying the heck out of dirt, sun, blue sky, ocean and love. Not a needle jabbed into my chest, and cold sterile walls.

Moment of Peace

August Wilson finally passed yesterday. He was diagnosed in June with inopperatable liver cancer. He made it a couple of months and was very pleased with his life. I have another person and life force to use for inspiration. All the people that have passed from my illness, I continue to feel a debt to. Here's to you Mr. Wilson, for your writing and your life that you have passed on.

It's not about me

I'm making that turn lately. Not sure what is around this corner, but I am beginning to notice that it is not about me. My first thoughts are for my beautiful, loving, and adoring wife. She's a nice sight around a first corner like this.

A Perfect Paradox

I welcome you to destroy me
It’s happened so many times in history

I hope that you destroy me
So I can come back burning clear

I’ve yet to be clear to you
Things get in the way and my vision blurs your vision
I’m going to let your eyes and soul look on me blindly and clearly.

SO destroy me sadly, heroically, fiercely.
The worst part is not knowing if I will in fact rise from these ashes.
I guess I will rise, but in what form will I be? I guess I need not get wrapped up in the form of my return and only be confident that some form will rise from these desperate ashes full of that urge and urge and urge.

This potion pains me and destroys me. My muscles I feel shrinking in horrific spasms. Depressing weakness overtakes me. Fear debilitates me. The sadness in the eyes of those around me haunts me and tears pieces from my soul. Remember to remind my soul: This is not the form I want to rise in.

A Chemo Standoff at a Window to the Pyrenees

My head barely stays on top. It swirls and wants to fall off. But I’m not going to let it bounce around in front of all of us. I will let my heart fall in front of you and cry and cry and cry, and we will all take comfort in that sound of our hearts joining in tears. I wont make the same mistake again to lock everything up in a casket and not let you see who I am, was, and will be. Even further I will do everything I can to open your wooden overcoat and let our hearts join in a drunken jig.

With defiance, I stand at my morning window;
arms folded with bold courage saying bring it on motherfucker. I’m going to do this and you wont’ shake me. Ok, yes,
you will shake me,
but right now you won’t break me.

Boldly at my morning window.
Tears and snot fall down my face
on to my folded arms in bold defiance.
A glare on my face that yells out
you do not
want to
fuck
with
me.

Wrestling with the Pesst

Honestly (a concept becoming more and more valuable to me), this last cycle has been very very difficult physically, emotionally, and mentally. I think both Mitra and I hit bottom at one point here. Luckily, we are bouncing back. I guess it can take hitting bottom sometimes. I feel great. Mitra has a cold but emotionally is strong again. So what dragged us to bottom? It was me grappling with my old and faithful friend of pessimisim. It's always been a natural part of me. It's not that I don't look forward to the good in life and am not optimistic; it's just that pessimism has always been an equal partner for me. Therefore, when everyone around me is telling me to refuse the worst and only look to the best, I have difficulty. I have to recognize the gravity of the situation and at some point prepare for it. Yeah, it leads to some pretty dark thoughts, and it probably shouldnt be wrestled with when your body is getting the shit kicked out of it. Yet, to be true to myself, I must exercise that darker part of myself. I'm thinking it would do more damage to deny it and just bottle it up. Part of wrestling the pesst is life for me.

So how does one balance in a situation like this when those that have survived always talk about ONLY looking forward to life and refusing to die? Don't get me wrong, I am refusing to die right now. It just doesn't feel like the right time for me to die, and I'm looking forward to a healthy and much much much more prosperous life ahead. And as I type that, the other part of my brain says: "You don't have control of that do you? You can do all you want in your dance with optimism, but good, strong people die from this all dressed up in clothes of hope."

The Novelty is Wearing Off

I'm sick of it. One month down, five to go. You know the novelty has worn off when you are counting down.

This session was ok. I'm hanging in there. The beautiful weather it calling me, so we are going to take a drive today up the coast. I'm trying really hard to keep my spirits up, but I think it is getting tougher. Might just be a down day. One year wedding anniversary was yesterday, and all I wanted to do was fly off to Hawaii again. There are times I don't want to do the chemo anymore. Part of me would rather just feel better and let my body do what it is inclined to do. It's not "right" I know.

Overall, the doc said this time things are going good. It is pretty early to tell much. We have to look for trends in my cancer cell blood count, and that will take a while. He did say I've lost too much weight, but seriously, I haven't looked this good in a long time. I'm slimmer than when we got married last year. I'm looking pretty damned sexy with the new shaved head and sleek physique. Come on doc! Fact is I've lost too much muscle mass and I guess that's not good. On the brighter side, I get to pump up fats and creams along with a lot more protein. Extra cheese on that chicken sandwich please.

I've got a lot of cards and calls to return to lots of you and I'm so sorry for not doing it yet. Continued thanks for the calls, cards, letters, and gifts. I love you all.

State of the body address

Hey folks,

Man have I been sick but very happy. I guess it is pretty easy to get sick when you don't have many white blood cells uh? I've been sick all weeked from a cold on top of being weak anyway. But it gives me lots of time to lay around, think, read, and watch baseball.

I must tell you, I have really begun to visualize myself as a healthy person. I was walking across campus, in the sun and fresh air, thinking yeah, I feel good. And it is kind of weird, but I see myself in the future. I kind of feel a new sense of health. I've been feeling some things go on in my body lately too. It may not be true at all, but here is an example. The other day I swear my liver was itching. You know when you have a scab that is healing on your skin and it itches. That is what is was like. I know there are not a lot of nerve endings in your organs, but when the doc's did a biopsy on my liver, they did say I would feel it a bit in there. This was a long time ago, so the sensation is not from the biopsy. I'm thinking that it is healing. The cancer cells are leaving and the liver is fixing itself up. I'm encouraging it to heal nicely because when this is all over, I could really use a beer.

Where does life end?

A dear friend of mine (Russ) had some recent thoughts that deal with something I've been trying to deal with. It brings me to thoughts of a truly EVERLASTING life. If you live a "good" life, it just keep going and going and going. Still, what if you don't? What is a "good" life? Does it have to be Jesus's life? Buddha's? Krishna's? Muhammad's? Bush's?--whoops, that's not fair.

Anyway, here is what Russ was thinking about:

Watched an episode of the show "House" last night. The title character is a real horses-rear end of a doctor, one of those guys who never lets you be right even when you are right.

In the episode, he discussed a near-death experience he had. While he was dead for more than a minute on the surgery table, he saw visions. He chose to interpret those visions, or for what is for others white light or a blue tunnell, as chemical reactions happening in the brain. He said that he saw this as the most hopeful interpretation.

A student asked him, "It's hopeful to believe that there is nothing beyond death?"

He replied, "I find it hopeful to believe that this life is not just a test."

And here I think was a well spoken critique on modern American Christianity. Dr. House has got it right. The God who would turn life on earth into a test for an eternally perfect existence leaves me shuddering. Pass and the reward shall be great. Fail and you will pay forever.

Truthfully, I'm not sure where I stand on the subject of white lights and visions and blue tunnells after death, and personally, I'm not sure a decision one way or another would affect my life much. And I'm not altogether sure what I specifically believe about hell.

But I do know this. The way of Jesus as I see it does not lead to some seperate heavenly experience. It leads to a recovered Eden here on earth. Eden where things were "good" to quote the Big Guy. And to step into this way of Jesus is not to be given a "get out of hell free" card. It is to sign up for God's great restoration project, being mercy, speaking for justice, being a source of compassion and generosity and love. In other words, God wants to make His good desires tangible on the little bit of earth that is my realm of influence - through me.

Is there a "good" existence out there for us after we die? I believe so. But the point is that heaven is not the point. It's not about eternal life; it's about life. It's about becoming a person of goodness now, not so that I can experience some eternal bliss, but because it's just good. And maybe someday, when this life runs it's course, this life of goodness can continue on in it's next reality - what I believe is "the reality".

So, some glad morning when this life is o'er I hope to fly away, but in the meantime, I'll keep on trying to cultivate love into the back forty of my life and praying the prayer and doing my best to live the prayer.

i'm trying to do good

Woke up pretty early this morning with some nausia. Not all that bad, but it gave me some quite time to lay and think as the sun came up. I was thinking about how sick you guys all are for always coming back and reading this drab. I'm just kidding. It brings me comfort to see how many people check this thing out regularly and send me thoughts and prayers. It's very special to me.

So as I was laying in bed this morning, I prayed a bit. I was thinking about how an old friend e-mailed me the other day, and how happy I am that he and is wife are living such a great and beautiful life. Then I began reflecting on my own life, and how blown away by my own happiness. I've got the life I always wanted. Ok, I wanted to be published for more than some school project. I wanted poetry and stories to be published, but really that doesn't matter as much to me now. To see the changes I see in a classroom regularly is cool enough for me. So I found myself thanking some lord of it all for providing such opportunities for wonderful lives and happiness. I have always had a strange relationship with what I think of as god. And this came up in my prayers. I've been VERY angry with "him" for years. He knows that. It's been to the point that I seriously doubt the existence at all. Even this morning, I told him that I'm not happy with the way the world has gone. I'm very dissapointed that such terrible things have happened throughout history--kind of cliche, i know. I understand that I must not understand. Still, the lord and I must come to another understanding that I'm not happy with what is going on in the world, and I am certainly not happy with what is going on with me. Yet, I cried and asked for some help. "Please help out big guy, or whatever the heck you are." This is the kind of relationship I have always had with the "big guy." It's kind of been playful and casual. As a kid, I was scared to hell of HIM. As a teen and young man, I looked to change that relationship into something fun and loving. Then, as a more conscious and aware man of the world, I began to see all of the CRAP that has happened throught the world in this god's name and in that god's name, and the kids getting screwed (literally and figuratively), the bodies and souls being ripped apart all over time and place. This is when anger seeped into me. So much anger that even if there was a god, I didn't want to have anything to do with it.

Now that I am watering my side of the lawn (life) with water (love), I may be looking towards the lord a little differently. With a little bit more forgiveness. That may sound incredibly pompous. But I am trying to accept the trash this place has gone through as part of something that I don't understand. So I say, "Fine big guy, you let all of this terrible stuff happen around the world. You let me have cancer. I'm not happy with it. But fine, I guess I don't quite get it all. And we may have to agree to disagree on some things"--remember this is the kind of relationship the big guy and i have. it was kind of jovial and we used to like to elbow each other in the ribs if you know what I mean. well, to be honest with you now, i'm a bit scared and on my knees. can you just help this kid out this time. little help here. i'm trying to do good.

The geeky, here I am as human looking for some sort of divine design part:
Through this conversation the big guy and I were having, I realized it was Sunday morning. Ok, fitting enough, coincidence, whatever, I've never really liked sundays as the lord's day anyway. Seemed like it should have been all of the days, but we'll have to agree to disagree on that one too big guy. Nevertheless, somehow we got to this place about the mixture of the past and future. How, I've never felt quite right about the way I was brought up in religion. I was a round peg trying to be pushed through a square hole. Frankly, still am, but realizing that is probably how it ought to be. It occured to us that I am a much better reader than I was as a kid and adolescent and that it may be a time to return to the past a bit, rereading with my better sensibilities. I wanted to get this blog done while it was fresh in my mind, but the bible is next to me and I'm off to do some rereading.

Driving along

Had my second treatment this morning. I can't tell you how much better I am doing this time. Last time I was knocked out, couldn't do anything but lay and drink tea. Today, I drove us home. I'm at the computer. I feel like I could do just about anything that I need to do. The only thing is that I feel groggy from so many "side-effect" drugs, have some metal taste in my mouth, feels like i am swallowing razor blades, and hair is feeling tweaky. It's kind of like being smacked up on crack. Haaa Good times.

Just the same, I am going to go lay down and watch baseball and funnies all day--thanks Krenzin clan!

Teaching/Learning

Damn, I love teaching. Got back into it last night. I am doing one Thursday night class at Skyline this semester, and two classes at State. Last night was the first night back, and it was awesome. It's kind of too bad that I become such a different person in front of a class. I like that person. It's kind of like performing I guess. During my daily life, I feel boring. In front of a class, I feel entertaining: jokes, drama, social significance. Pretty cool. Poetry I guess. The class is a great group of people, so that helps. It is a split honors class. Half of them are in the honors program. I'm really excited about that because so much of being an honors student is just about motivation. They are invested in their education, and that is something that will rub off on the others in the class. That said, the whole class seems into it. I'm also excited about teaching as a new person post 7/1. I'm growing so much as a person that it is going to be cool to see how that affects my teaching.

I've been very lucky that State is going to allow me to turn my classes there into a hybrid online/f2f class. We will meet every other week, then have online classes the other week. More teaching stuff to be excited about. Doing online classes is something that I have wanted to get into, so now I have my opportunity. See, you win some, you lose some. This whole situation has been one big paradox. Life/Death. Chemo/Life(wait, which side of the slash does chemo go on?). Courage/Fear. Disease/Revitalization. I know this might sound sick, but in many ways, I am thankful for having cancer. I have gotten to see such love from friends and family. I've seen a change in them for the better. I've seen a change in my wife. I've seen a change in my heart, soul, and mind. I'll be honest with you. For the last few years, I've been trying to get to the true nature of my self. I'v gotten away from it, but in the last couple of weeks, I've felt closer than ever.

Jab

I guess that when you are in a battle, you are going to take some hits. It's simple, but you just have to learn to accept that as part of the fight. Got a letter from my oncologist yesterday letting me know that the latest CT scan of my chest showed two small nodules in my lungs. Not sure exactly what that means, but we are supposed to talk at our next treatment in two weeks. On the bright side, the same scan was of my head, and apparently, nothing there. Oh well. That's the way the gravy stains.

--actually, spoke with him today. The doc is not too concerned and it was to be expected. It is common for cancer to spread from the liver to the lungs. His big concern is the liver. In his words, we HAVE to get rid of those. There are too many lesions. Working on it doc!

I Wanna Live

Been ok lately. I have a cough that won't go a way. I think it was from the tube they stuck down my throat during the surgery for the port. Now that I am beat down, I'm just not healing very quickly, so I cough and cough and cough. I feel sorry for those around me. Overall, I have had a good couple of days energy wise. I get around and do things then collapse with exhaustion. I tried to take it easy today.

I've been thinking a lot about people who have died from cancer. I believe it came on when I was listening to the Ramones' "I Wanna Live" (posted on my music page). I was realizing that I have such a link with Johnny and Joey now. They both died from cancer in the last few years. I think they both had worse cases than I, but one feels such a comradeship with something like this. In this kind of desparation, it is why Lance has become so important and popular for people with cancer. While Lance and other survivors I keep meeting and hearing about are tremendously important for me, the ones who have died are also important for me. I feel some inspiration and an obligation to them to stay strong and fight this with my greatest power. I am so lucky to have some groundbreaking treatments and strategies that they did not have. I have more opportunity for survival than my brothers and sisters in the past did. People who got cancer in the past had such a worse chance for survival, and I feel that I kind of owe them for the torture they faced without the hope I have.

Sleep has been torture for me lately. Nightmares and consciousness. As I write, I realize that I have to get a hold of my mind. I have to remember my brothers and sisters in the past that faced the EXACT situation, but having to sleep with the awareness of a certain and quick decay. Because of the sheer luck of living at this time, I have more hope. It's interesting. I didn't really create that hope. I have hope because of the time in which I live. My particular existence in the kosmos, my spot in the history of mankind has created hope. I am very fortunate.

I love you all, and can't (really) express the emotions you give me with the kind words and wishes. I just can't wait to get strong again and pay ya'll back!

Welcome back

Sorry to have not posted in a while. HOLY MOLY! First one took a lot out of me. I'm coming aorund today. VERY VERY weak though still. Feels like quicksand. Confidence was shaken a bit. Hitting some depression and reality of it all. However, my wife has been an incredible guide for strenght and optimism. I want my wife to have her husband back, and that is feeding me right now.

New Year's Eve

It's the eve before I start chemo.

I wouldn't say it is surreal. It's something less than real in a rather defiant pose. I can't picture the worst of it all. I just know that my fate is good.

Tonight was my last class meeting for the summer school class I'm teaching. I was going over some of the evaluations from students, and several of them said, almost verbatim, that they were amazed at my ability to keep coming to class and being so positive and encouraging. If it were them, they said, they would lock themselves up in their homes. My first thought was...uh...what else can you do? Who really would lock themselves up? There is something tremendously beautiful in the human spirit, and I'm sure these kids would do the same thing I am now. Just keep on keepn' on. Even as I get so many nice letters and emails about the blog page, I think, I'm just keepn' on. I'm just doing what I do baby-- to quote the ballers.

One thing that has been difficult for me, and i'm not sure exactly why, has to do with the surgery to put this port into my chest. This was the most traumatic so far, and I expect, of the whole thing (I don't expect the chemo to be all that hard). One of the things bothering me is that I don't want to look at the cut, even touch my chest at all. I caught a glimpse in the mirror this morning and got a bit teared up. So far, I have yet to SEE any disease, illness, or mortality. The glimpse of it reminds me this might be serious. I may be in denial a bit, but I also think I'm just refusing to succomb to the dismal possibilities.

I've gotten some kind hearted letters recently that have asked me to give my life to god ASAP as if I am on my last breath. I sense in these letters an expectation for the worst, and frankly, they annoy me. Now, through all of this, I may in fact find my connection with my god and spirituality--I'm not sure you can help but turn there in these situations, but I'm not willing to use it as a kind of comfortable pillow on my death bed. To do so would be more of an acceptance of the dismal possibilities, and I refuse. I wan't to figure out who I am as a person and be the kindest person I possibly can; spirituality will nourish that. I'm not looking for a free pass into HEAVEN (whatever the Hell that is). I'm looking for the full potential of what it means to be a living soul.

That annoyance aside, I have received some of the most beautiful words and wishes from dear and kind people. The letters that have been especially nice are the ones that tell me they are praying for me, if I want to talk, they are there, and then they move on to giving me practical advice. I am so very touched by the fact that folks are out there doing research for me. Amazing.

Thank you for all of the thoughts, time, and wishes (I often visualize myself with arms open, embracing them); and damn it, Pray for me!

Wise Up

I've made a return to that Aimee Mann song. It's on my "Tunes of Inspiration" page. It reminds me of how important it is to me that I, as well as my friends and family, WISE UP! I've been talking with some of you guys about how much I am trying to seek a "truer" version of myself, how i've been slipping in recent years away from a guy that was so happy, so much fun, and enjoyed himself and others. I've slipped into a world of "success" and worldly, and at the same time have slipped into a world of the underground--hiding. I'm reading Ralph Ellison right now, and I am feeling a lot of connection to the Invisible Man. Dostoyevsky rings true in this same kind of invisibility. I'm trying to wise up a bit and become more visible.

One way in which I have been practicing this was on accident, but quite beautiful. Mitra and I returned to conversations of exploration and the meanings of life. It's been too long since we have just "wasted" the afternoon away playing with the possibilities. We were talking about how people seem to have an innate desire to be famous. We all want to be on the stage. To Shakespeare, all the world may have been a stage, but today our lives have become so private and secluded. As a result, we may be losing validation of our lives from other people. If we have this desire, and we don't fulfill it, what happens? Maybe having shows like "Idol" and other "reality" shows is a way to create a stage and thus fulfill that innate desire?? I don't know, but the point was that this blog has been a way to exist in the world and become less invisible with love for and connection to my friends and family. I am wising up.

Deceiving Looks

I'll be honest with you. After looking at my chest, I was not looking forward to the flush of the port. It didn't go too bad though.

As I was coming out of the O.R. yesterday, I was groggy and drugged up, but I realized that while they were pushing my roller coaster bed down the hall, we were about to pass the waiting room. Just as we got there, I rolled over to see my beautiful wife smiling at me. It was at that moment that I realized how similar the emotions of laughter and crying are. I was giggling and crying...I think. I'm not sure which one it was, or if it was both at the same time. I couldn't differentiate. I'm not talking about the face here because that seems more like representation and not the actual thing itself. I'm talking about the guttural and chest feeling. That swelling in the lungs and stomach. For me, I think my spirit plays in my stomach and chest, so i'm guessing it was my spirit. Whether it was crying or laughing, I loved seeing my wife smiling at me. And I loved feeling two considered binaries at the same time.

Port o matic

I'm wired for imediate injections into my heart. No need wasting time with veins anymore. They put a port in my chest just below my collar bone that will allow the chemo to be injected because it can be very hard on your veins. Basically, yesterday sucked. Went in at noon came home at 8:30PM. I was throwing up from all of the drugs when I got home, and even though I was starving from having not eaten for 2 days, I couldnt really eat. And we all now how I love my food!

I'm supposed to go at noon to flush this thing--I don't know exactly what that means, but now that I see this on my chest, it does not sound like fun. It's pretty ugly. Bruised and bloody.

I've gotten a lot of really nice emails from you. Thanks. I love ya'll.

I Bleed Yellow (& Dodger Blue)

Went to the sperm bank last week to store my boys up for later use. Strange day, but when they called me to let me know how my sperm count, strength of sperm, shapes, and overall health of the swimmers were they finally had some good news for me. Apparently, I have like super semen. I have 10 times the sperm as a normal human being and larger percentages of healthy sperm than this sperm bank (one of two on the west coast) has every seen. They said it was even more amazing given the stress I have been under.

The day after that, I went to the hospital to get acquanted with my Oncologist and the nurses that will be pumping me up with chemo. They did a blood test measuring my oxygen count in my blood. Very high.

All of this got me thinking. The cancer grew at an amazing rate and in such a young body. My sperm grows as if I were some sort of fertility super hero. As much of a slouch I am now, whenever I have spent time working out, my body responds very well and quickly.

Allow me to veer off a little here. As is typical with people fighting cancer lately, Lance Armstrong has been a wonderful inspiration for Mitra and I lately. If you know anthing about him, you may be aware that he has a tremendous advantage over other cyclists because of his large lungs and the capacity for his blood to carry oxygen to his muscles, therefore, making his body more efficient. His body has a tremendous response to what he does with it. I'm just speculating on something I know very little about, but I wonder if that is also why his cancer spread so quickly in such a young body. Do you see where I am headed here?

You know those Tiger Woods comercials that have different people saying, "I am Tiger Woods." Well, I'm thinking that I am Lance Armstrong.

7/13/05

Getting back to living, we went to Monterey for the World GP Motorcycle Races at Laguna Seca. It was way cool. When I am healthy, I am going to get a motorcycle. Those things are awesome. We got some good pics I will post soon. It was a nice day in part because we got to spend some time with my parents. They go every year, so they are like our guides to bikes and the races. When we first met up with them, they gave us some books on cancer (one by Lance), and then my mom put one of those yellow rubber bracelets for the Livestrong foundation on my wrist and my dad put one on Mitra's wrist. Good family moment. I'm thinking of calling the operations "Shock and Awe." I like the thought of kicking some cancer ass, but look at how the real "Shock and Awe" turned out. Maybe I could make it right.

Off to liver biopsy. We are planning our attack.

7/12/05

I said before that words have been too heavy lately. They still are pretty damned heavy, but I am coming around. I'm gathering strength thanks to family, friends, my wife, and a major head and heart check. I'm going to kick cancer's ass, or at least kick ass going out.

I have a couple of funnies to share. Our cable went out the other day and the cable company took 6 days to come out and fix it. I called them and demanded a refund for those days, which they were not going to do. I said, "Listen, I've just been diagnosed with Colon cancer, and I've had doctors all over this city sticking things up my ass, I don't need the cable company doing the same thing." They gave me the refund.

We were flipping around all of our 5 stations while the cable was out, and we came across the original Ocean's Eleven with Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr. and Dean Martin. We came in on the scene when one of the 11 is in the doctor's office looking at an x-ray of his lungs. He says, "Give it to me straight doc. Is it the big casino?" I tried that one on my colon surgeon. I think he thought it was funny.

Liver Biopsy tomorrow. In case I havn't touched bases with you, it may have spread to my liver and beyond. There are marks from a CT scan that suggest it has. They x-rayed my lungs yesterday. No word yet, but I think we are going to request that they scan my whole fricken body. If it has gotten out of my colon, it could go anywhere pretty quickly. I also have to go do an ultra sound pretty soon to get a better picture of that son of bitch in my intestines. Met with the surgeon who will remove some of my colon. Nice guy. I feel good about him doing it. He seems pretty optimistic. Little concerned about the liver, but fuck it, let's do this.

7/5/05

I realized something about myself today. I love work. I believe it defines me. I had to call my dean today and let her know what is going on. I broke. It sucks to break on the phone with your boss. I think it happened because I love work. I guess by having to get subs for my class, it becomes a bit more real. I am zoning out a lot here. It's becoming overwhelming. I break. I get consciousness, and then I break. I have to keep hiding from mitra. I don't want her to know I am this scared. Not because I am hiding but because she will break if she sees me doing it. I do wish her mom were around. I think she could keep her grounded and secure. I try when I am clear, but when I'm cracking and falling apart, I'm not sure that would do her well.

7/04/05

I'm scared like crazy. I shouldn't read shit on the internet about colon cancer. Not good reading. I just want to go home. I just want to go home. I go tomorrow to find out just how extensive the cancer is, but I have to tell you, I think it is pretty bad. Everyone has been saying for weeks, "Aww, it's going to be fine. You don't have cancer. Everything is going to work out ok." Well, it's not true. They were wrong. I love them, but they were wrong. It's ok, I say the same things to other people when it is unknown. We hope and we hope, but things go wrong and things don't turn out ok. Things aren't ok right now and my chin keeps quivering and my eyes keep swelling. Then my heart breaks when I think of mitra crying the other morning as we were trying to come to terms with it. We were listening to music as we were driving to the movies, an attempt to escape, when she said, "It's amazing how all of the words of these songs suddenly have a much deeper meaning..." and she broke into tears. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. She loves me way too much and it hurts her more than it hurts me that I am sick. And she is right. Words are deeper now. They have reached depths by gathering more weight. They have become so heavy that I can barely lift them off of my friends tongues and make them mean something. They have become so heavy, my family can only watch the depressions of their impact. They are so heavy I can barely lift them from my spooked and breaking heart.

6/30/05

Things are fun around here lately. Went to the Dr. yesterday to have a colonoscopy. I was under the impression that I would be knocked out for the procedure and wouldn't remember a thing. Well, I was fully awake and accounted for. I guess they were not doing a full colonoscopy; just the first section, so I didn't need to be under. Instead, I got to watch the monitor as the camera explored my innards. When I came into the nice steril room, the assistant told me to lay down on my left side and pull my knees to my chest.
The NP came in and introduced himself, asked if I had seen blood or felt discomfort.
"Yes, I've seen blood about once a month, but no discomfort."
"How old are you?"
"Thirty-three."
Looking at my chart, he noticed that my age was actually, "Thirty-two."
"Oh yeah, I'm a bit out of it after having fasted you know."
"Understandable. It's probably hemmoroids. Let's take a look. Ok. First my fingers, lubricated, then a tube. There we go."
It didn't hurt all that bad. It was pretty uncomfortable, but then I was distracted from the pain as I watched the monitor. The camera came up on my ass hole and I somehow recognized that asshole as mine. Then a slip into my anus and I could see the read and pink fless of my colon on the screen. Amazing. Right away, on the left side of the colon wall, I could see this big lump. I guess the NP saw it too.
To the assistant he said, "Get the doctor."
My heart sank. I knew it wasn't good.
The doctor came in and introduced himself. Very nice man.
"How old are you?"
"Thirty-two."
"Well, what do we have here" looking at the monitor.
"It looks precancerous, but I wanted to get your second opinion."
Then it was just blah blah blah in Greek doctor language. By then I was getting sick of that tube up my ass and I just wanted to go home and watch baseball, but I listened anyway. They explained that it is most likely precancer, and that the difficult part is going to be getting it out. Or it could just be an inflamation that could be treated in various ways. They took some samples of that walnut sized lump, the cutting of it I didn't watch on the monitor.
"Your going to see some blood in your stool now," the NP laughed. Wasn't all that funny, but I think he was just trying to relax me.
"We are going to put a rush on the biopsy and we should know tomorrow. Now lets get some more pictures higher up."
He then proceeded to shove that tube all the way up to my stomach. "Now, when this gets up to your stomach, your going to feel some pain. Just breathe deep." It was the worst pain I have felt. Holy FUCK it hurt. It was the first time that I have openly expressed pain at the dr's office. You know, things hurt, but you just clinch your jaw and stay silent. But this time was different. I think combined with the fear of my news, and the embarrassment of a man sticking a tube up my ass, I just let it out. Moaning and squirming, "Yeah, uuuhhhh owwww, uuu yeah that hurts."
"We are almost there. Breathe deep through your mouth. There we go, we are there. Coming out now. Keep breathing."

5/10/05

Summer is coming. I've only been here for a couple of years, and it is strange how quickly you become aclimated to the environment. I can smell sf's version of summer cooking up on the ocean and blowing up slight ascent of the sunset. As I visualize that actually happening, my eyes are relaxing. I went to the Optomotrist the other day. I've been suffering from dizziness for the last couple of months and in the last weeks, it has been pretty constant. I thought it was because of my eyes. The Optometrist (do they get their certificate in shopping malls, or is that orthodontists?) said it's probably not because of my eyes, but that the muscles in my eyes are very tense. I told him that yeah, I spend a lot of time building muscle mass in my eyes by lifting more weight for smaller amounts of reps. Should I drop down the weight I am lifting with my eyes? Should I stop looking at the news? Should I stop looking at people in the eyes? Should I look away when I see a dog dying on the side of a road? Should I look away when my wife is crying because of something stupid I said? He didn't have a very good answer for that. I had a thick accent and he tried to act like he didn't understand me. It was rather like Sammy Sosa testifying to congress that he did not understand their questions regarding his steroid use. Nonetheless, I have to find a way to relax my eyes. Reading glasses will help, but I'm still waiting on those. We'll see if that helps the dizziness. I should just get used to it I guess. There could be worse things than feeling like you are drunk all day. You know, since I am dizzy anyway, why don't I just drink all day?

I am Not My Body Alone

I am my heart, mind, spirit, friends, and family all of which we are on a journey to figure out.

So much love has been sent my way lately that I feel the desire to share with you all what this has been like. Some of you may find out as you read this that you don't really want to know, and that is cool. Words have been extremely difficult to manage lately, and I rarely find the strenght to connect the words to the emotions and experiences. This is another reason for wanting to use this medium to share. It drains both Mitra and I to call all of you wonderful friends and family and repeat the horrors of our life. We so want you to know, and are so comforted by the company, so this seems like a good way to share the happenings. That is not to say we don't want you to call. We need you to call; we just may not want to get into the specifics of it all. So here we will share, explore, hope, pray, and breath deep.

I am posting a few blogs from my other blog page to share the path that got us here. Those posts are marked with the date. At times I may be crude, scared, or callous; forgive me, but such is the way I sometimes light my journey by. In other breaths, I hope I may be found inspiring, courageous, and tender. Please comment in any way you feel, for it is the connections we all create that bring me strength and energy for deep breathing.