7/04/05

I'm scared like crazy. I shouldn't read shit on the internet about colon cancer. Not good reading. I just want to go home. I just want to go home. I go tomorrow to find out just how extensive the cancer is, but I have to tell you, I think it is pretty bad. Everyone has been saying for weeks, "Aww, it's going to be fine. You don't have cancer. Everything is going to work out ok." Well, it's not true. They were wrong. I love them, but they were wrong. It's ok, I say the same things to other people when it is unknown. We hope and we hope, but things go wrong and things don't turn out ok. Things aren't ok right now and my chin keeps quivering and my eyes keep swelling. Then my heart breaks when I think of mitra crying the other morning as we were trying to come to terms with it. We were listening to music as we were driving to the movies, an attempt to escape, when she said, "It's amazing how all of the words of these songs suddenly have a much deeper meaning..." and she broke into tears. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. She loves me way too much and it hurts her more than it hurts me that I am sick. And she is right. Words are deeper now. They have reached depths by gathering more weight. They have become so heavy that I can barely lift them off of my friends tongues and make them mean something. They have become so heavy, my family can only watch the depressions of their impact. They are so heavy I can barely lift them from my spooked and breaking heart.