Figuring through reflection

I had a student email me the following email and I thought I would share my response because it was a nice moment for me to reflect and make sense out of a few things for myself.


Before the cancer was detected, did you have any specific views as far as religion or spirtuality are concerned? Have those views changed at all? You seem to stay so strong despite having such shit luck. How? The way your website comes across it is as if Mitra gives you strength. The title of your website, "I am not my body alone," almost has a defeatist feel to it. How much of you is preparring for the worst, and how much of you is charged with a positive attitude that refuses to quit? I don't mean to be rude or presumptious, but your situation draws such curiosity and sympathy from myself, I can't help but wonder how you stand.

Hope all is well,
*

Hey *,

Thanks for checking that page out. It gives me strength for some reason to have people read that stuff and find something for themselves in it. It is part of the purpose of writing it, but it is also due to just a weird need to share. I think that sometimes people don't realize they exist until they express their existence to someone else. So thanks for reading it and thinking about it.

I have taken a big 180 as for religion is concerned, but I am very hesitant about it. It just seems like the natural thing for people to do in situations like this. It's funny I just got a card from my step brother and his wife. They always take my illness as an opportunity to preach to me. I know they mean good, but if I turn to a god, I don't want it to be out of desperation. I want it to be out of a genuine desire to experience god. Nonetheless, facing my maker is something I feel I need to do. This is truly one of by biggest struggles right now. But I have witnessed some pretty wonderful feelings and progress as a result--i think--of people praying and meditating for me. Meditation for me personally has been quite helpful and calming, but I don't know how much of that is a celebration of god or just a celebration of the self; or is that the same thing? I do think god want's us to celebrate ourselves, and that is a form of worship to god. The same way that loving people is like loving god. I like that thought a lot.

For me strength has been a result of weakness. I now do realize how strong I am (sounds arrogant, I know), but it was only from facing my weakness. I guess that somehow relates to the god topic. There is that saying you often hear from people of being brought to their knees, and then finally turning to god. It is a little like that. I have experienced a fear and weakness I didn't know existed. *, I was so scared I lost feeling in my body and have fallen to the ground out of fear. It is a crazy feeling. It makes me wonder what I would do if I had a gun put in my face. I might just drop. There were some very very scary times both my wife and I have shared. And I can't tell you how much the worst feeling in the world is seeing your love of your life scared like that and have it be because of you. We sure bonded, but jeeze there were some dark and utterly frightening times. We have since accepted that fear and grown strong with an acceptance of our situation. I think you are right about facing the worst. It is at that moment that you become liberated from the fear. Through talking with people, writing, meditating, etc we have both accepted my probable early demise and experienced a freedom from the fear. I mean doesn't that seem pretty simple? I'm pretty sure that is what most people in my situation do.

At the same time we are accepting my fate, we still have a tremendous amount of optimism and desire to keep fighting. It is really weird man. I'm not sure I know how that works, but we feel even more courage and strength after accepting the probable fate. That is something for me to begin to think about; thanks for bringing it up.

As for the "I am not by body alone" quote. It comes from Walt Whitman's LEAVES OF GRASS which is my favorite poet and poem. I'm not sure I see the defeatist element of that idea. I'd like to know more of why you think it sounds that way. For me, it reminds me that I am not just a body. I am a soul. I am an experience. I am a moment in time. I am an emotion that has been felt by other people. I am my ideas that have been thought about by other people. So I guess that I am trying to break away from the boundaries of being defined by cancer or my body alone. And like I said, I am made of the people around me. It's metaphysical. Another "meta" term like we've been talking about in class. Don't you love em.

I didn't think you were rude or presumptuous at at all. I am really stoked to get your email and that you took some time to check it out.

Thanks *. I wish you all the peace and happiness possible. It's cool to see a student inquire into these elements and ideas. You'll make a good philosophy major.

Take care,