The Sharpness of Anticipation
On Friday evening, my doctor called to let me know that I need to go back on treatments as soon as possible. My blood tests showed a considerable spike in cancerous activity in my liver. I took cat scans today to see more clearly what is going on. Mitra and I will take one last escape this weekend for our anniversary, and then I'll go have treatment begin next week.
It was a bit scary to have that phone call. It was like finding out for the first time again. My emotions were all over the place, but mostly I just felt like I had suffered a defeat. I know that I needed to go back on treatments, but I really thought the cancer had took such a hit that it would struggle to begin growing so soon. It is amazing how well we forget. I totally went back to life as normal as possible really not remembering that I needed to eventually get back on chemo. I'm good at suppression and distraction. Maybe that is a good thing. I was living well, happy, and without anticipation. Hmmm. Life without anticipation.
I've been a bit freaked out with the amount of pain I have been going through. For the last weeks, I've had sharp pain in which we had though that it must be gas or constipation from all of the pills I have to take. However, now we realize that the pain is actually the cancer sucking life off of my liver and lungs. It's weird to actually feel cancer like that. It's the first time I have been able to identify it. It's scary. I never know how sharp the next pain is going to be and whether it will be the one that knocks my ass out. Until then, life without anticipation. I'm trying, but it is hard.
posted by json @ 6:39 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
It's really crappy to have to do this again. I feel for you. It's shitty to think about it again when school is going well, life is going well and your happy. I remember how miserable you got at times last winter, but don’t think of it as defeat. It’s the beginning of the second half and you’re ahead and you’re a gamer, which is really what it comes down to in the big games. If you need second string support, don’t hesitate to call, I am will be at your house in 4 hours! For real. I already miss the monthly visits to SF.
We're here for you, Brother. I know that you can fight this off. With all that's happened this year, Jen and I are really looking forward to our visit this Christmas. Keep Hope and Strength at the front of your mind.
Love you,
josh & jen
thanks brotha. looking forward to christmas too. i should be ready for a break by then, so we can have some fun. first treatment went very well. knocked out for a couple of days, but really back to functioning by monday. i go back today for another round, and i'm going to push to make it the same as last time. dodgers and football all weekend in bed then off to work by monday.
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