Yesterday Mitra and I blew off a doctor's appointment to go on a drive and have some f'ing fun. Man we needed it. We were talking, thinking, listening to music, thinking, talking, staring out into the rain...
"You know, I think it's gone, but I'm not sure."
"What do you mean?"
"I was just thinking back to when we first found out. We were driving to Visalia. We were so fucking scared. We cried like crazy. I felt this foreign enemy inside. I truly felt it. It consumed my whole body. It was/ is everywhere inside me. It's not just isolated to the tumors. Those tumors are spreading their disease all through my body through the blood. It was a sinister crawling through my veins. I don't know whether to separate that into Fear or Cancer."
"Maybe it's both."
"Yeah, exactly. We try so hard to compartmentalize everything into its box; it's separate box. In this case, and maybe in life, we can't do that. I think that part of what is cancer is fear, and once you can deal with that, sorry, but half of the battle is won."
"So Cancer and Fear are the same thing. It seems then that it really doesn't matter which is which. You feel that it is gone. You have won . You feel better. You feel like your true self again. It is gone. But what is it? Don't we have to name it? Don't you have to count both in it?"
"Yeah, it's both I guess. I've beat it nonetheless. I just need the doc to back me up on this one."