Scared/excited

Tomorrow I go in for CT scans to check the progress. I am a perfect mix of scared and excited. I do feel like we are back at the beginning. Those nervous stages of doing all that testing is coming back on me. Mitra has lucklily been reminding me of my strength and cockiness about all of this. We had a party a couple of weeks ago and it was rare time when I actually talk about things with people--most of the time I just try to forget about it and talk about other stuff. Thoughts and conversation are interesting to me because it is through conversation that you can see more of your own thoughts in the faces and reactions of others. It comes from my composition pedagogy on audience awareness, that is, all writing is driven and created in the shadow of an audience even if that audience is the self. Well as I spoke with friends about my state and progress, I did notice a kind of arrogance reminiscent of my punk rock skater kid days. That makes me happy. I was a little punk back then, but I was a happy little punk. Now that beaten fear back, I'm becoming something I always thought I could but never had the courage to be: youthful in heart and wise in mind(yes that does sound like arrogance). It's what gets me through. I'm scared to jump into the cat scan machine and take those freezing deep breaths so they can take glow in the dark pictures of my innards. I'm scared of the reminders; when I drink the glow and the dark nuclear bannana shakes tonight and for breakfast. I love food so much that memories are often triggered by food. I'm afraid of the memories that shake may trigger. Days in which I was so afraid of dying I didn't want to live. I'm still on unsure footing in my new life of confidence and acceptance. Let's hope I can stand my ground.