7/1

Today's my second birthday. It has been one year since the absolutely most important day of my life. Mitra and I were driving to Visalia when my doctor called and asked if I wanted to pull over. We certainly have spent the last year pulling over. I spend much more time looking at the environment outside of the freeway path. What's this last year meant to me? I feel so relaxed right now. The paralyzing fear I had is gone, and I am comfortable with my fate whether that is in my control or not. I'll do what I can to be a better and healthier person, but there is only so much I can do. That thought is quite liberating and it reminds me of what can be so attractive about religions. Religion removes so much personal responsibility. If the U.S. kills half of Iraq, it's god's will, not mine. If, Iran brings down the great satan, it is allah's will, not mine. If I'm dead tomorrow, god wished it so--why not be happy about it? I've fulfilled god's will. Listen, I don't understand what this is all about, but the organization of Chrisianity, Budhism, Hinduism, Islam, etc has never seemed more preposterous (and before you get all defensive, look the damned word up in the dictionary for the full understanding of the word). I am certainly aware of the existence of some sort of grand spirit. If it is a god, then I am thankful and angry with her/him. Absolutely, I am a better person than I was a year ago because I have had the fortune to have a fighting chance (thank you science) with this "blessing." However, I have met many wonderful and beautiful people that are honestly better human beings than I am. Yet, they've died in horrific pain and physical misery. Ugly ugly ugly. Thanks god for the blessing.