I Wanna Live
Been ok lately. I have a cough that won't go a way. I think it was from the tube they stuck down my throat during the surgery for the port. Now that I am beat down, I'm just not healing very quickly, so I cough and cough and cough. I feel sorry for those around me. Overall, I have had a good couple of days energy wise. I get around and do things then collapse with exhaustion. I tried to take it easy today.
I've been thinking a lot about people who have died from cancer. I believe it came on when I was listening to the Ramones' "I Wanna Live" (posted on my music page). I was realizing that I have such a link with Johnny and Joey now. They both died from cancer in the last few years. I think they both had worse cases than I, but one feels such a comradeship with something like this. In this kind of desparation, it is why Lance has become so important and popular for people with cancer. While Lance and other survivors I keep meeting and hearing about are tremendously important for me, the ones who have died are also important for me. I feel some inspiration and an obligation to them to stay strong and fight this with my greatest power. I am so lucky to have some groundbreaking treatments and strategies that they did not have. I have more opportunity for survival than my brothers and sisters in the past did. People who got cancer in the past had such a worse chance for survival, and I feel that I kind of owe them for the torture they faced without the hope I have.
Sleep has been torture for me lately. Nightmares and consciousness. As I write, I realize that I have to get a hold of my mind. I have to remember my brothers and sisters in the past that faced the EXACT situation, but having to sleep with the awareness of a certain and quick decay. Because of the sheer luck of living at this time, I have more hope. It's interesting. I didn't really create that hope. I have hope because of the time in which I live. My particular existence in the kosmos, my spot in the history of mankind has created hope. I am very fortunate.
I love you all, and can't (really) express the emotions you give me with the kind words and wishes. I just can't wait to get strong again and pay ya'll back!
posted by json @ 7:54 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Pay us back? Should I be running a tab?
For me, You have given so much that I don’t know if I could ever repay you back.
It's your poem that you wrote on my 20th birthday in 1997, which is framed and hanging in my office.
You have inspired and influenced me in so many ways that I don’t know were to where to begin to express.
I will say this; I read because of you, I write because of you, I listen because of you and I love because of you.
It was you that gave me a piece advice many years ago that I still apply today in my marriage.
Repay. No, there is nothing to repay.
I owe you.......and I am there for you.
Nicely written Mike.
I just want to say you're a kind soul who doesn't deserve the amount of SOML that you're being dealt. We can all agree there are people more deserving of a significant dose of nature's demon seed.
Toby Keith comes to mind.
Get well!
P.S. Coming from a guy quickly drowning in a sea of Dodger fans, you're the only one I like.
Mike's okay too.
Repay? I'm not too proud. Repay away, amigo.
Hey, what's with Mike getting love poetry from you?
We are with you!
Hey Jason,
I keep trying to send message, but my screwed up machine has failed three times so far. Holy Moly indeed! Now that you know what this medicine is like, it will be better next time. I think of you two constantly and am sending serious thoughts (prayers) of healing many times a day. With my own health thing, you inspired me to make the call, get checked, and now, get minor treatment, so it looks like I owe you big time for giving me the guts to go forward. Your last posting shows so much clarity, courage, and determination. I hope you can feel the love from everyone at school, and know that we will step in with whatever you need--just say when. Also know that I have your girl's back, day or night. Let me know what you want to eat and I'll bring some over--cooking is my favorite way to love. You rock, Mr.! Elizabeth
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Got it Elizabeth. I deleted the repeat one for you. Man, I am so glad and sad that you are taking care of your business. I'm sorry that you have to do it, but so comforted that you are doing something. We have not been the closest of friends, but Mitra treasures your friendship, and I have always known you are a special woman. I'm touched you feel some strength and inspiration from me. I truly think once a person makes the decision to go one way or the other, they find tremendous and untapped courage. It waivers, and when it does, Mitra and I are there for you.
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