New Year's Eve

It's the eve before I start chemo.

I wouldn't say it is surreal. It's something less than real in a rather defiant pose. I can't picture the worst of it all. I just know that my fate is good.

Tonight was my last class meeting for the summer school class I'm teaching. I was going over some of the evaluations from students, and several of them said, almost verbatim, that they were amazed at my ability to keep coming to class and being so positive and encouraging. If it were them, they said, they would lock themselves up in their homes. My first thought was...uh...what else can you do? Who really would lock themselves up? There is something tremendously beautiful in the human spirit, and I'm sure these kids would do the same thing I am now. Just keep on keepn' on. Even as I get so many nice letters and emails about the blog page, I think, I'm just keepn' on. I'm just doing what I do baby-- to quote the ballers.

One thing that has been difficult for me, and i'm not sure exactly why, has to do with the surgery to put this port into my chest. This was the most traumatic so far, and I expect, of the whole thing (I don't expect the chemo to be all that hard). One of the things bothering me is that I don't want to look at the cut, even touch my chest at all. I caught a glimpse in the mirror this morning and got a bit teared up. So far, I have yet to SEE any disease, illness, or mortality. The glimpse of it reminds me this might be serious. I may be in denial a bit, but I also think I'm just refusing to succomb to the dismal possibilities.

I've gotten some kind hearted letters recently that have asked me to give my life to god ASAP as if I am on my last breath. I sense in these letters an expectation for the worst, and frankly, they annoy me. Now, through all of this, I may in fact find my connection with my god and spirituality--I'm not sure you can help but turn there in these situations, but I'm not willing to use it as a kind of comfortable pillow on my death bed. To do so would be more of an acceptance of the dismal possibilities, and I refuse. I wan't to figure out who I am as a person and be the kindest person I possibly can; spirituality will nourish that. I'm not looking for a free pass into HEAVEN (whatever the Hell that is). I'm looking for the full potential of what it means to be a living soul.

That annoyance aside, I have received some of the most beautiful words and wishes from dear and kind people. The letters that have been especially nice are the ones that tell me they are praying for me, if I want to talk, they are there, and then they move on to giving me practical advice. I am so very touched by the fact that folks are out there doing research for me. Amazing.

Thank you for all of the thoughts, time, and wishes (I often visualize myself with arms open, embracing them); and damn it, Pray for me!