i'm trying to do good

Woke up pretty early this morning with some nausia. Not all that bad, but it gave me some quite time to lay and think as the sun came up. I was thinking about how sick you guys all are for always coming back and reading this drab. I'm just kidding. It brings me comfort to see how many people check this thing out regularly and send me thoughts and prayers. It's very special to me.

So as I was laying in bed this morning, I prayed a bit. I was thinking about how an old friend e-mailed me the other day, and how happy I am that he and is wife are living such a great and beautiful life. Then I began reflecting on my own life, and how blown away by my own happiness. I've got the life I always wanted. Ok, I wanted to be published for more than some school project. I wanted poetry and stories to be published, but really that doesn't matter as much to me now. To see the changes I see in a classroom regularly is cool enough for me. So I found myself thanking some lord of it all for providing such opportunities for wonderful lives and happiness. I have always had a strange relationship with what I think of as god. And this came up in my prayers. I've been VERY angry with "him" for years. He knows that. It's been to the point that I seriously doubt the existence at all. Even this morning, I told him that I'm not happy with the way the world has gone. I'm very dissapointed that such terrible things have happened throughout history--kind of cliche, i know. I understand that I must not understand. Still, the lord and I must come to another understanding that I'm not happy with what is going on in the world, and I am certainly not happy with what is going on with me. Yet, I cried and asked for some help. "Please help out big guy, or whatever the heck you are." This is the kind of relationship I have always had with the "big guy." It's kind of been playful and casual. As a kid, I was scared to hell of HIM. As a teen and young man, I looked to change that relationship into something fun and loving. Then, as a more conscious and aware man of the world, I began to see all of the CRAP that has happened throught the world in this god's name and in that god's name, and the kids getting screwed (literally and figuratively), the bodies and souls being ripped apart all over time and place. This is when anger seeped into me. So much anger that even if there was a god, I didn't want to have anything to do with it.

Now that I am watering my side of the lawn (life) with water (love), I may be looking towards the lord a little differently. With a little bit more forgiveness. That may sound incredibly pompous. But I am trying to accept the trash this place has gone through as part of something that I don't understand. So I say, "Fine big guy, you let all of this terrible stuff happen around the world. You let me have cancer. I'm not happy with it. But fine, I guess I don't quite get it all. And we may have to agree to disagree on some things"--remember this is the kind of relationship the big guy and i have. it was kind of jovial and we used to like to elbow each other in the ribs if you know what I mean. well, to be honest with you now, i'm a bit scared and on my knees. can you just help this kid out this time. little help here. i'm trying to do good.

The geeky, here I am as human looking for some sort of divine design part:
Through this conversation the big guy and I were having, I realized it was Sunday morning. Ok, fitting enough, coincidence, whatever, I've never really liked sundays as the lord's day anyway. Seemed like it should have been all of the days, but we'll have to agree to disagree on that one too big guy. Nevertheless, somehow we got to this place about the mixture of the past and future. How, I've never felt quite right about the way I was brought up in religion. I was a round peg trying to be pushed through a square hole. Frankly, still am, but realizing that is probably how it ought to be. It occured to us that I am a much better reader than I was as a kid and adolescent and that it may be a time to return to the past a bit, rereading with my better sensibilities. I wanted to get this blog done while it was fresh in my mind, but the bible is next to me and I'm off to do some rereading.