Wrestling with the Pesst

Honestly (a concept becoming more and more valuable to me), this last cycle has been very very difficult physically, emotionally, and mentally. I think both Mitra and I hit bottom at one point here. Luckily, we are bouncing back. I guess it can take hitting bottom sometimes. I feel great. Mitra has a cold but emotionally is strong again. So what dragged us to bottom? It was me grappling with my old and faithful friend of pessimisim. It's always been a natural part of me. It's not that I don't look forward to the good in life and am not optimistic; it's just that pessimism has always been an equal partner for me. Therefore, when everyone around me is telling me to refuse the worst and only look to the best, I have difficulty. I have to recognize the gravity of the situation and at some point prepare for it. Yeah, it leads to some pretty dark thoughts, and it probably shouldnt be wrestled with when your body is getting the shit kicked out of it. Yet, to be true to myself, I must exercise that darker part of myself. I'm thinking it would do more damage to deny it and just bottle it up. Part of wrestling the pesst is life for me.

So how does one balance in a situation like this when those that have survived always talk about ONLY looking forward to life and refusing to die? Don't get me wrong, I am refusing to die right now. It just doesn't feel like the right time for me to die, and I'm looking forward to a healthy and much much much more prosperous life ahead. And as I type that, the other part of my brain says: "You don't have control of that do you? You can do all you want in your dance with optimism, but good, strong people die from this all dressed up in clothes of hope."